182019

I feel so hopeless. 

I feel so lonely. 

I feel so mean. 

I feel so selfish. 

I feel I should be happy for you. 

I feel I can't be. 

I feel that makes me maybe the worst friend in the world. 

Not maybe, definitely. 

I feel I'm not your friend anymore, though. 

I feel like I don't know why I'm not. 

I feel myself missing you. 

I feel angry at myself for missing you. 

I feel like I want to find my way back to you. 

I feel that I can't find it. 

I feel god has forsaken me. 

I feel incomplete.

I feel lost. 

I feel. 

Help me. 

Fuck it, I love you

If I keep hurting you, or letting you down, I don't mean to do that.

Although I'm really lying when I say I don't want you, when I say you're just a friend, I don't mean to scare you, or to make you run away from me.

It is just that, in all of my life, I've never known anything as strong as the love I feel for you and I just don't know what to do with it.

It is so strong that its intensity scares me some times, so I don't blame you for being scared too.

I don't blame you for not loving me back.

But I want you to know, I don't mean to let you down.

I only wish I could make you happy.

But I can't.

Liquor and gold

It is surreal, insane and incongruous that, as I face this insurmountable abyss that, without any warning, opens itself in front of me, with all the challenges and difficulties that it brings, I can only think of you.
You and your smile, which makes me lose my head and forget that there is something called reason. 
The fact you are waiting for me on the other side of this abyss gives me more strength to cross it than any other thing in the world.
And cross it I will.
Even if it is only to be by your side one more time.

Sugar

Seeing you is so rare.
As it is getting to spend time with you.
So I try to enjoy these moments we are together and alone.
I try to enjoy them to the fullest.
Because every minute is magical.
Every second.
And I know it is only a fucking chemical reaction in my brain.
But I really do not care.
It is as magical as it is unique.
And bittersweet.
Because I know they will not last.
You always get away from me in the end.
Every time.
And you leave my heart aching.
And my soul feeling incomplete.
Even though I know you do not mean to do those things.
Even though I know that you care.
I set my expectations up.
And I get disappointed.
Every time.
But that changes nothing.
Even now, as I hear you through my wall, playing piano, I know it is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.
The most beautiful one, except for your voice.
Even now, as I look at your face, at your eyes, and marvel at how beautiful you are, so beautiful that even if I were the greatest painter of all time, I  am sure my painting of you would never do your beauty justice.
Love is a funny thing.
It strengthens me at the same time it tears me down.
Bittersweet.
Just like you.

Endless

É estranho escrever essas palavras, sabendo que você provavelmente nunca irá lê-las. Assim como é estranho o que eu sinto por você. Meu sentimento continua me surpreendendo. Como quando às vezes eu acordo no meio da noite e estranho não ouvir o som da sua respiração profunda ali ao meu lado. Ou a falta que eu sinto de ouvir a sua voz e a sua risada. De sentir o seu cheiro. De me sentir tão bem e tão leve que todos os problemas do mundo se tornam pequenos. Eu cheguei a pensar que a distância iria apagar esse amor proibido do meu coração. Mas ela apenas o intensificou. E ao mesmo tempo, estar perto de você me machuca de uma forma que nenhum outro amante jamais pôde me machucar. O seu silêncio me mantém acordado. A sua quietude me derruba. E apesar de tudo isso, eu continuo te amando. Profundamente. Ainda sinto a sua falta. Constantemente. E ainda te quero. Por mais irracional e ilógico que seja te querer. Eu te amo.

M

It would be all sorts of perfection
If I could have you as a protection
If you could see me as your lover
And we could rely on each other

I would get home every night
And you'd be there, my knight in white
We would lovingly kiss and embrace
And together every problem we'd face

Yes, it would be perfect
But that's my life's defect

Blindfold

Lately I have been wondering why I even try any more

Even after getting constantly consumed by anger and sore

It's not as though I haven't wondered this before

But lately I've been wondering it more and more

When I look back at you all I see is a ghost

Instead of the face I used to adore the most

But there's no use in wallowing in these sorrows

Or even trying to fight

I keep counting the days, and holding on to my hopes

Every day and every night